Incredible.

Just...

...wow.




I've now come to believe that hard work can only take you so far. To do something with the level of mastery it took to compose, or takes to play this piece you must be born with something inside of you that cannot be ascertained, quantified, or contained by any sort of measurement or contraption that man has yet devised.

Paying close attention to a true master's work in any medium affects me in this order: exhiliration, enlightenment, and invariably, dissatisfaction at my own shortcomings. I think when it comes to music I am especially frustrated because I seem to posess an extraordinary ability at sensing and defining outstanding qualities in others' works, while what I truly desire is to be able to create them for myself.

Though I'm only 26, I feel that I'm just too late for so many things. Most of life's biggest decisions and precious firsts are behind me already. I've all but given up on achieving a higher education at this point. I haven't played a musical instrument in years. I've never been much of an artist, and my writing abilities are amateurish at best. I feel like I lack the ability to express creatively ideas and emotions that only I might be able to share with the rest of the world; that someday I will die, and my most important contributions will go with me having long withered somewhere inside my mind, for lack of release.

Perhaps I think too highly of myself. Who knows? How exactly does one measure potential?

So as not to appear too depressed, I will say this: I believe that my wife and I are making the greatest contribution to the world that any two people can in raising our daughter. To impart to her the things that are important in life, and the things that are not. To teach her respect. To teach her about the realities of life, and ultimately let her experience them for herself. They say that experience is the greatest teacher. Most importantly I want her to grow up loving and caring for others, making lifelong friends and not ever having to feel ashamed for being who she is. Perhaps she will discover what it takes to turn potential into realization faster than I did (The answer to this equation: "potential * x = realization" is action).

I'm not sure where I'm heading with this anymore, so let me finish with this: I'm learning now that just living and sharing what you do have with those you love dearly is enough. There may be no greater thing than this. No matter how hard work is, no matter what else I face personally, I've come to treasure every moment of my life spent with these two beautiful smiling girls, and getting to share in their trials, sadnesses, sicknesses, joys, and discoveries.

I love you, Julie.

I love you, Megan.

Let's continue spending our lives together like this forever, okay?

I'm listening to the album "Ogre - Grand Repeat" right now. It's a handful of the tracks from the original Ogre Battle for Super Nintendo, fully arranged and orchestrated. I've wanted to listen to this for years, and have never been able to find a reasonably priced copy of the cd, or any of the mp3's anywhere on the internet...until today! I love Hitoshi Sakimoto, and Masaharu Iwata is the most under-rated, under-appreciated, and under-utilized composer in the entire videogame industry (Mostly because he hasn't ever worked at Square-Enix, so no one knows who he even is). They've both come a long way since this was released, but it's still a far sight better than most other composers' attempts.

If I had some webspace, I'd upload a few tracks. I suppose you could just get them here. My personal favorites are "Chivalry and Savagery", "Chaotic Island" (once it gets rolling), "Breath of the Earth" (simplistic though it be), and "Fight it Out!". I'll admit it, I really have a thing for the Ogre Trio (duo, in this case)'s urgent, sweeping power-marches. There's weight behind them. They're not just hollow melodies. If you have such and inclination, give them a listen. This is why I love videogames, more than any other reason. Perhaps listening to them will afford you a better understanding of me...who knows?

In other Sakimoto-related news, I guess he's composing for an anime based on Romeo and Juliet. It should be interesting to listen to, at least.

So, yeah. Moving to third shift in two days. I've got to find some way to stay up all night tonight. I'm gonna be a zombie for a while. I hope my family can bear me during this time.

Megan is having her second second birthday party tomorrow (No, that wasn't a typo...think about it). It should be fun! She's the cutest. She's got a fun personality. Tonight, I was sitting on the floor of the living room, and she was leaning into me really slowly and pretending to fall down saying "noooooooooooooooooooo...oof" over and over again. It was adorable. Julie mentioned that Meg dumped out her blocks in the entryway this afternoon, and immediately said her name as if she was disappointed with herself: "Me-gan!" Ha! Who else would have a self-scolding toddler?

I think that's all for now.

Ok. I'm finally ready to start using this thing. I've got a lot of catching up to do. Here goes.

So, it's been over a year since I've chronicled anything in my life. When last I left off, I was going to college, Julie was employed full-time, and I was a stay-at-home dad. None of those things have as yet panned out into anything successful. I was stricken with a horrible illness for the better part of six weeks at the end of my semester. Julie and Megan both contracted it, and we passed it around from October until January. If I remember correctly, I ran a fever for about a month straight. I got behind in my semester projects for English and Biology because of it, and just stopped going when I realized that I couldn't possibly catch up.

Julie was laid off last Thanksgiving, on one week's notice, only after prying the information out of her boss. She's better off for it.

We kind of unofficially took a month off from everything, wallowing in our depression, and recovering from illness and fatigue. We took care of Megan, but not ourselves. We invested 120 hours into Dragon Quest VIII in December. We ate fast food almost every day. It was a glorious vacation.

In January, we regrouped. We both started sending out resumes and filling out applications. Nothing. In the next five months, we had 3 interviews between us, and had applied for somewhere around a combined 100 jobs.

In May, just as all of our contingency finances drained away, I managed to land a temp-to-hire job for $10 an hour on second shift. It wasn't enough to pay all the bills, but slowed the money bleed to a trickle. Julie went back to work part-time in the morning. This is pretty much where we've been for the last five months. I've completed the temporary part of my time at work, and in december, I'll be making right at $18 an hour. I've gotten three promotions in the last six weeks, and now I'll be operating my own machine on third shift in a few weeks.

The summer there was pretty rough. There's no air conditioning, with a giant corrugating machine running the length of the plant that produces an obscene amount of steam. Some days it got as hot as 125 degrees. I described my job to Julie as: "Imagine lifting our coffee table about every seven seconds for eight hours". I've lost almost 30 pounds, and have reclaimed the upper body of my youth. That's pretty good, I think.

We celebrated our third wedding anniversary in August. Julie got a new DS lite and a pink Hori soft case for it; I got some supplies for (so-far unsuccessfully) MAME-ifying my arcade cabinet (yes, I finally got one! It's a long story that is sad, but ultimately triumphant, involving a motorcycle, the sale of a large portion of my videogame collection, a muffler, a couple lousy burgers, and the ugliest man alive). Megan is going to be two in just a few weeks. I can't believe how fast the last few years have gone by.

Things are looking up, maybe, in a few months. We've been struggling all year with bills, and not making enough to meet them. I think we'll finally get some breathing room in March, barring any catastrophic accidents. I'm hopeful, for the first time in a long time.

There's the much-needed update. I've got a few things I want to talk about soon, including good friends, growing up, and Contact for Nintendo DS. Pretty standard fare for me, I guess.

I am starting a new journal, because sometimes I feel like writing, but don't want to steal my wife's page (j00ly), and I deleted my old one.

Actually, a few days ago, I un-deleted deepblue1180, but it just doesn't feel right picking up there where I left off. The things I talked about in that journal feel like a million years in the past. I figure that a clean start is best. So here I am.

As the title of this journal implies, don't expect me to update very frequently, and certainly don't expect me to be the next big prolific addition to your friends' page.

I'm probably going to talk a lot about my family. There will most likely be pictures involved. I can't get away without talking about videogames. Anyone who knows me knows that. Work is terrible enough that I'm probably going to whine about it from time to time.

I...guess that's it. See you around!